Hi guys, now this one is mine. It’s quite bare and sensitive but writing it made it really easy. As a teen, I had doused myself in pornography and a loooot of romance novels. Because of this, the idea of a woman’s sexuality to me was never completely defined without large boobs. So, when it became apparent while growing up that I wasn’t going to have large boobs, I became really insecure.
At first, I couldn’t place why. There was just this feeling of incompleteness. As time went on however, I began to see how much priority the world placed on a woman’s body features and attributes. In Nigeria, they are even called ‘assets’. A friend once told me that “African men like meat, something to grab.” As vulgar as that sounded, I knew it was true. I have been around guys that just get lost at the sight of a woman’s exposed cleavage, no matter how little it was exposed. Being the hopeless romantic that I was and still am, I used to think it was cute seeing that a guy was sexually attracted to you. For me, those moments when you catch them unconsciously staring at your lips as you talk were considered priceless. So, I envied my girl friends who had larger boobs, for by all standard, they were more sexually appealing, or so I thought.
I remember one time in class, while sitting with two of my guy friends. One of them – the one closest to me and with whom I had been talking, leaned over to the other to say how beautiful I was. It was a whisper but I could hear the compliment almost as loud as I heard the harsh reply that came after. The other guy had replied his compliment with a ‘yeah, she is but she has small boobs’. There was another time back in secondary school when a guy had also made a similar statement. In fact, he pointed out that he would have dated me if not for that clause.
As a result of this, I was insecure about if any guy was ever going to find me sexually appealing. Don’t get me wrong, guys were asking me out all right. I think I got my first love letter at the age of 7 or 8. It was from a guy called Toheeb and he used to live in front of our house, back then in Lagos. Having guys ask me out was not the problem. It was more of if they would find me sexually appealing enough to stay with me, marry me and remain faithful even in marriage.
Apart from the guys, I was also very insecure with girls. This is because most girls love comparing. One joke there, another here. One example here and another there and I found that most times, girls like me were usually the objects of sneer and mockery, while those with ‘assets’ were usually admired. I mean, even girls did that. So, I never opened my body with somebody else around for a long time. If I was in a room full of girls and I wanted to have my bath, I would go to the bathroom fully clothed and come back dressed as well. I would even sleep in my clothes. At home, it didn’t get any better. My two sisters started growing and voila! They had more boobs. Honezly, I contemplated using enlargement creams. (whispering) I even heard there were these ants whose bites could make the boobs grow. Hmmn, have you ever heard of someone praying for ants to bite her? Believe me, I did.
On and on, this went and I hated the way it made me feel, so I would pray to God and ask Him to increase me in stature and make me fuller. I believed He could, for God can do absolutely anything. Most times when I prayed, I would quote scriptures about how God had formed me from the womb and how He knows me in my nakedness. I mean, if Jesus Himself grew in wisdom and stature, why shouldn’t I?
Then one day, God asked me why I wanted boobs. He asked if I wanted it so I could start exposing my cleavage. I said no. He asked if I wanted it so I could feel gratified as being sexually complete and I said yes. To that God told me “Seun, you are complete.” He wanted me to see how beautiful and unique He has made me and love myself like that first. That way, if He ever granted my requests of being fuller, it wasn’t going to be out of complaints and discontentment at how He has originally made me.
With that, I began to grow more confident of my body. I stopped wearing extra clothes and can now expose myself in a room full of other girls. If they make jokes, I laugh with them and then subtly correct them to be more sensitive, especially when dealing with somebody with a low self esteem.
About being sexually appealing to guys, I realized I don’t need all the guys to find me desirable, I only need one. Again, I prayed about it and God asked me, “Seun, do you know how much I love you?” I said yes and then He Said, “If you do, then you would know I’ll not send you a son who does not see you the way I see you. Don’t worry about it.”
For me, that was all I needed. Knowing that where everything about Dear Future Husband is concerned, God has got it settled. He would send me a guy who would see me as beautiful, whether I am fully clothed or stripped, just like God does. He would send me His son and when Onaolapo came my way, I knew God had kept His word.
So that’s basically it. There are a lot more examples I did not put here, but all that’s in the past now. Who cares about what other guys say? Puuulllllzzz. Today, I therefore implore you to love yourself the way you are. That’s the gate into confidence city. Look at yourself only as God sees you and if you don’t know that, you can totally ask Him. He’d tell you.
That’s all for now. Hope you read other beautified stories on the blog? You should and guess what? We’ve got more amazing things cooking up this August, so make sure you check back again constantly or keep an eye on me on social media. Till later, could you relate with my story? Did it bless you in anyway? Kindly let me know in the comment box below.