How is October going? So, today, I’m sharing the third set of lessons I have for this month. This one is on relationships. I’ve already shared two sets, on my addictions and finances, respectively and if you’ve missed out on any of those posts, you can just read them here and here. Now, over to today’s stories.
I have had tons of crushes over the past years, some on even hot fictitious characters, like Micheal Hosea in ‘Redeeming Love’, Chris Pine in ‘Star trek’, Derek Shepherd in ‘Grey’s Anatomy’, Damon in ‘Vampire Dairies’ etc. Of all these however, I have only had two serious crushes. By serious, I mean strong and feasible enough to actually want a relationship.
The first one was on a guy called Dele. (This is not his real name) I met Dele around the time when we had both just gained admission into Uni. He got Covenant University, while I got OAU, but irrespective of the distance, we were always keeping in touch. I liked the way he would always call me, even from a school where they weren’t allowed to use phones. I believed it took some level of sacrifice, commitment and care to keep in touch with someone, even though it wasn’t convenient and that made me like him even more. Asides this, he was also a very handsome guy, with a good dress sense and a voice that just lightens my mood, every time. I would always look forward to his calls and any opportunity to be with him. Anytime we both were around and we were gonna see, I would dress as though the world was going to end and he also had a way of flirting with me, which made me further believe that he liked me too. This brings me to lesson #1.
- Assuming that someone likes you without them telling you is not so healthy:
I know it’s hard not to assume that someone likes you, especially when that person is showing certain signs and that’s basically the reason why I’m not saying you shouldn’t assume. However, assuming that someone likes you without hearing it from them is not healthy..at..all and I learnt this the hard way. Now, back to my story and I think this was the last straw that broke my crush with Dele.
On one particular December 31st, I decided to spend my cross over service into the New Year with him. I sat with him during service, ditching my family and service group just so he’d be the first one I said ‘happy New Year’ to. Everything started well. In fact, he even introduced me to his mum, which made me feel, all the more – (whipping hair) special. Then, like some 2 hours before 12, he told me he was coming and went out. I reserved his seat and waited …and waited…and waited. At 11:50, I was still waiting. I kept apologizing to the ushers, begging them not to give his seat away. Eventually, I said happy New Year to compleeeeete strangers. Dele did not come back. Guess what happened next? After service, while I was dragging my depressed self, back to my family, I saw him at a popcorn stand just outside where I had been sitting ……… with another girl.
Ever heard of a heartbreak without being in a relationship? I had one. That morning, my heart broke into the smallest, indivisible units that could not be gathered and it was a really bad start into the New Year for me. I guess what I’m trying to say here is, it wouldn’t have hurt as much, if I hadn’t assumed he liked me in the first place.
Now, this heartbreak, coupled with the fact that I wanted a rebound made me enter a relationship I shouldn’t have in my part one. This brings me to lesson #2.
- Always check your reasons before rushing into a relationship:
I learnt this one after entering a rebound relationship in my part one. The guy, himself was a good person. He loved me but I couldn’t return his affections, because I kept feeling all the time, that I shouldn’t be in that relationship. My reasons for entering into it had a big part to play in that.
First, I wanted to get over Dele and I thought being with another guy was the best way to do that. Second, I wanted to be sure I was capable of dating, considering the fact that I turned down every guy that asked me out in secondary school. So, entering the relationship felt more like I was carrying out a ‘project’. Finally, I felt like I owed this guy something, for being too nice to me and my friends. As a result of all these, I dated him and it was no surprise when I opted back out eight months after.
I’m not going to dive into the intricacies of this relationship in this post. I promise to do something on relationships later on but one lesson I’d share with you today from that experience is to be conscious of time and reason before entering any relationship.
FYI, I didn’t enter into another relationship until my final year in Uni, not because I chose not to, but because in my part 2, I started to like another guy, who also didn’t like me that way. This second crush was much worse than the first, partly because I couldn’t place the reasons I was being attracted to him and partly because, I couldn’t stop the attraction when I wanted to. I crushed on him for 2 years, before we eventually dated in my part 4, despite the fact that he defiled most of the shallow qualities I looked out for in a guy, which brings me to lesson #3.
- Having a rigid list of qualities could limit one’s chances of being with the right person:
One of my favorite couples on social media is Adanna & David. Recently, I watched one of their YouTube videos on inter-racial marriage and being Nigerian married to a German, Adanna said she gets stunned when ladies tell her they too would like to marry a white guy or they ask her what she did to marry a white guy. According to her, she didn’t do anything. She had simply seen David as another person with whom she was compatible and she had married him because of that.
Listening to her, I realized how we often create lists of qualities we want in the someone we’d like to date. We’d like them tall, curvy, dark, fair or handsome with a good dress sense. As a result of this, we tend to stereotype our options to these qualities, such that when a right person comes along, if he or she doesn’t meet up, we’ll just let them slide.
Personally, I used to want bad guys, especially those who played girls. #smh. I believed then that it was very cute seeing a player fall in love and the girl must be really something to have had his wings crippled. Come to think of it, why was I so sad when Dele left me for another girl? Anyway, when I started liking this my crush, he wasn’t anything like that. He was such a confident gentleman. It awed me the way he treated everyone with respect, the kind of things he says and how he acts towards people. The more people said awesome things about him to my hearing, the more my affection for him. I knew I wanted to date him, not because I set out looking for a tall, dark gentleman. No, but because, I saw in my friend, a man of impeccable character, with whom I was compatible. I don’t know, but I think I would have still dated him, if he wasn’t as tall or if he wasn’t Nigerian. Imagine if I had stuck to my list of qualities, most of which were very shallow by the way, then, I would have missed out on such an amazing relationship, as I have today.
Okay, so I don’t want to deviate from my unreturned crushes and quickly I’ll just share the last two lessons I learnt during those periods, with you. In at lesson #4:
- Learn to Wait:
I learnt more about waiting during the two years I spent before my crush and I eventually dated. There were times in between when I withdrew. There were times when I tried to kill the feelings, there were times when I tried focusing on just being friends and most importantly, there were times when I focused on growing and being a better version of myself.
Most times, we tend to believe that waiting just means to sit idle for as long as it takes for him or her to notice us. No. That’s not waiting. Waiting is learning to trust God to bring you the right person at the right time, while you get right in the middle of that thing you’re supposed to be doing. Waiting is working to grow in whatever we want to be or do with our lives. It is us getting busy serving God, serving humanity, helping others, blessing others and be all out for impact, such that when eventually he or she comes along, they find not only your body attractive, but your works, your heart, character, etc. That’s waiting.
Waiting is learning to trust God to bring you the right person at the right time, while you get right in the middle of that thing you’re supposed to be doing. Waiting is working to grow in whatever we want to be or do with our lives. It is us getting busy serving God, serving humanity, helping others, blessing others and be all out for impact, such that when eventually he or she comes along, they find not only your body attractive, but your works, your heart and character as well.- Tirzah
Finally, the last lesson I’m going to share here is simple.
- Compromising your standards for anything or anyone is not worth it:
I learnt this one while I was still crushing on Dele. Like I said, I kinda liked bad boys then, and Dele was one. From the jokes he cracked to some of the things he liked on social media, It was obvious and I used to think then that he wouldn’t like me back, if I didn’t portray myself in that light as well. So, sometimes, I would also try to make flirty jokes and prove that I was also up to date in that community. To what end, really? What if I had done other irreversible things, only for it to end up futile like it did? Who would have been blamed?
Most times, in a bid to get the other person’s attention, we may think that tweaking our standards to suit their lifestyle is okay, but it really isn’t worth it. Learning that I didn’t have to do anything to make or keep God in love with me was all the validation I needed that I didn’t have to ‘act’ perfect for anyone to like me back. whether it’s as simple as pretending to be who I’m not or as serious as actually compromising my standards for him or her, it’s not worth it. Truth is, if God loved us, even before we started trying, then he’ll send us someone who loves us unconditionally just as we are as well.
So, there you have it guys. I hope you guys learnt something. If there is anything you’d like to say, you can tell me in the comment box below. I always reply and if you want to reach me privately, you can send a mail to [email protected] I’d love to hear from you. Till later guys. My final posts for this month would be on the 5 lessons I learnt from my struggle with a low self esteem. I’d really be pouring my heart out in that one and I hope to see you guys here again when that is up. Also, I’ve added a couple of new pages to my blog. so, be sure to check out Sneak Peek for these new additions. Finally, if you are still not sure about what my blog is all about, you can read all about us here.
Take care of yourself, guys and remember to keep shining as light in this very dark world.