Broken #4: How I Stopped Masturbating.

Hello! Trust your week is going great? So, last week, we had Fisayomi share her story with us. Today, we’ve got another story from someone very special, even though she has requested to be anonymous. In case of any reference though, I’ll just call her A. Like I said in my posts on social media, it’s really an honour having you share your stories with us and if you have restrictions whatsoever, the least I can do is to honour it. So, thank you, A. I’m very sure this will bless someone.

”When Seun asked me if I could share my story, I was at first laid back, mainly because I had not shared it publicly before. But then I thought – ‘keeping it in could be a sign that I was still living with the guilt that came what I did’ and that’s not the case. So, with total conviction and a lot of excitement, I agreed. As for keeping myself anonymous, I’m sorry. I know one day, I will come out publicly but for now, I’m willing to divulge my identity to anyone going through a similar experience and would love to reach me privately.

I once read, on this same platform, that the things we let in go a long way in influencing our thoughts and consequently, our actions. I got exposed to sex at a very early age. I was eleven. Sex was everywhere – in novels, movies, songs, just as it still is. I think of all these things, the one which had the most influence on me were the novels. I was at the early stages of puberty and my hormones really were everywhere.

So, as I read those scenes, I would long to feel the characters felt. I couldn’t explain the longing. However, I knew I wasn’t going to sleep with anyone . . . yet. Even at that age, the major scare with children about sex was getting pregnant. Period or no period, I wasn’t going to take the chance. So, when those feelings came, I’d touch myself and that’s how the masturbation started. I enjoyed it at first and the pleasure that ‘seemingly’ came with it and I’d go back to do it over and over and over again. It became an addiction.

An addiction is something you cannot help, be it pornography or drugs. Once the urge to do it comes on you, even if it’s just a reminisce of the pleasure you felt while at it, you’d find yourself going back there – almost as if something is controlling you. I knew it was an addiction when all I looked forward to was an avenue to be in a space by myself. I even locked myself in the wardrobe a few times. I didn’t care who was in the next room. Once, my mum caught me, but because she didn’t think I was capable of such a thing, I got away with it.

When I got into the university, I thought it would stop. I mean, I didn’t have a room to myself. It was in Mozambique hall, OAU and I had like 16 other roommates, but it didn’t. At those few times when everyone happened to leave the room at once, I would do it again and again.

Now, this is what happens every time. After the few minutes of indulgence, the pleasure vanishes and what accompanies it is this feeling of guilt and stain. I would take my bath thoroughly to wash away the feeling of filthiness, but soap, water and sponge – no matter how hard it is can’t wash the mess away. I would cry, ask God to forgive me but being an addiction meant I’d still go back to it afterwards.

By now, you should have figured. It started around 11 and continued till I got to the university, which meant it lasted for more than 7 years. During that time, I couldn’t tell anyone. I kept asking forgiveness, rededicated my life and I think at some point, I even took a vow that if I did it again, God should do something to me. Now that I think about it, I’m sure God must have been smiling. If only I knew that being in Christ meant that when God looked at me, despite my actions, all He saw was His son – all perfect, all justified.

When I started learning that, I began to stop trying and let God help. Just like Seun said, you don’t really know when it stops. One day you just realize it has stopped – only you didn’t notice because your focus wasn’t on it anymore. It was on Christ. Coming into the understanding of how much He loved me, was willing to help me and letting Him was how it ended. I think that was in my part 2.
It gets to a point where that one thing that had so much control on you becomes powerless and disgusting. You effortlessly can’t go back there. Till now, when I think about how I suddenly stopped something I consistently did for almost eight years and have not done it again, I know it wasn’t me. In that moment when you can’t explain the mystery behind it all, that’s the moment you know it’s God.”

Hmmn. Hey, don’t you find it amazing that A’s, Fisayo’s and my stories end on a similar note? It’s not a coincidence. God is actually there to help and we are here too, just in case you need a shoulder to cry on or hands to pray with. If you want to get personal contact, mine or A’s, please say so. We’re more than eager to give you.
Till later then. Don’t forget to keep me in touch.

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Author: Seun Olagunju

Just a simple 23 year old all out to making an impact.

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